I have been filling up journals since I first got married (a LONG time ago). A few of them I plan to burn.
While it is interesting to see how I’ve grown over the years, I REALLY don’t like the scared person I used to be. My journals are filled with so many fears about so many things, along with the assumption that if I will just do something it will fix the problem. Waaaa, waaaa, waaaa! Quite frankly, it nearly makes me ill to read those scaredy-cat writings. And I’m fairly certain I don’t want others to read them, either.
The problem is that interspersed among all that whining, there are a few gems of insight, as I have recognized God growing me. So I’m torn. I want my children to be able to read about my life as a young wife and mother and know how very proud I was to be their mom; how grateful I was that God had given me those children. But I don’t want them to read about my most crushing fears. (This may just be a pride thing.)
Here’s what I do know, from reading all those entries in my journals. I like me better when my focus is on God. Those particular journal entries are keepers. They are the expressions of a child of God in love with her Father. Those entries show spiritual growth and the beginnings of wisdom He gives to all His children who seek it.
Perhaps my children and grandchildren will read my journals someday. I hope they will forgive the youthful childishness and fear they find written way too often and will recognize the growth pains as God “raised” me. Maybe it will encourage them to keep seeking Him and growing themselves.
Okay, maybe I won’t burn them. Maybe I’ll write a disclaimer and attach it to the front of each journal. Or maybe I’ll just let them see my transparency and figure it out for themselves.
Maybe they will want to burn them…
Claudette, you know I am in therapy working on some damage from my early life. This post shows so many good things about you, and I had to share my own experience finding my Mom’s journal in the nursing home when she passed. Her final dig at me was to craft a journal where she talked (mostly about me) and what a lousy daughter I was and the disappointment I was to her. I know she likely had some undiagnosed mental disorder, but those words stung and pained me for a long time. My therapist keeps talking about forgiveness and the Christian side of me knows it is our goal to be Christ-like, but the betrayal of the parenting relationship is surely hard to forgive. Thanks for being a good Mom example.
If I could figure out a way to remove the hurt you have experienced, I would do so. I think you are probably doing the best thing for yourself with the therapy. Just know this… I think you are one very special lady. I feel honored to call you my friend.
It sounds as if your mom had some emotional problems, for sure. I am surprised by what you tell me, because if I remember correctly, she used to live with you, right? Let me just say, you are a much better person than I, because I honestly don’t know if i can ever let my mom in my house to live. i love her, but she is extremely difficult and i don’t want to be a little girl in my own home. I imagine you may know what i mean by that.
Anyway, I love you, dear friend. If I can ever do anything to help you work through the pain, call me and i’ll do my best. It WILL get easier over time. I promise.
I say just write disclaimer as we all change as we grow and maybe it would be good for them to “read” through the changes with you. I want to read !
I’m pretty sure I won’t ever voluntarily share my diaries. You’ll just have to wait until I die! hahahah!