Category: Family

Happy Father\’s Day

To my birth father: I never knew you. I’m told you were very excited when I was born, and then you just abandoned us. I guess in those days it was just not accepted to have a child out of wedlock. And then you were murdered, so I never got the chance to meet you in later years. I don’t know where you are—heaven or hell—but I want to say thank you for giving me life. It hasn’t been a perfect life. But it’s been my life, to become what God planned for me from the foundation of the world. Pretty cool. I would have loved to meet you, to talk about family quirks and personalities, but that didn’t happen. All I know of you is what my mama told me about you (she loved you desperately, you know), the couple of photos I have, and the news articles detailing your death. Happy Father’s Day. I hold no grudges and no anger.

To Bob, the stepdad who raised me: You were a part of our lives from the time I was four or five, until your death in 1985. You are the “dad” who raised me. You, Bob, are the man who gave us childhood memories, who took us on vacations, who took lots of pictures and videos, who fed and clothed us, who escorted me down the aisle on my wedding day; the one who let me “work” in your office the summer I was 13 so I could learn a bit about the profession I ultimately pursued. If it weren’t for your picture-taking of our life’s events, I might have trouble remembering all the great things you did for us. Because alongside all the good, we had some rough patches. Some horribly, horribly rough patches–not all of them because of you, but many because of the two of you and your explosive relationship. All my memories aren’t warm fuzzies.

However, I need to say this—and it’s long overdue—thank you. We never went hungry or in lack of anything material all the days I lived in that house. I am grateful that you raised us as your own children, right alongside your own children. I have deep regrets about the kids you left behind to be with mama. While that was not of my doing, I can’t help but feel that we took from them, and it pains my heart. I just want to say thank you for taking care of us. As much as I understood how, I loved you like a father. Someday we will talk again, in heaven. Happy Father’s Day.

To Dave: Not my father, but the father of our children. It was your example of fatherhood in the lives of our children that helped me begin to understand the true meaning of a father’s love. I remember the excitement in you as you came home from work each evening. You spent so much of your time on the floor, rolling around with the kiddies. You practiced and taught them discipline with your own lifestyle. You loved Josh and Jenn without reservation, and that love has only deepened over the years. More important than all of that, you taught them about God; you led them to know Jesus. YOU baptized them as they professed their faith in the God you love and serve.

Yes, we did make our share of mistakes, but what parent doesn’t? We aren’t perfect, after all. If you talk to our kids, though, they don’t remember the mistakes. What they remember is the fun you were, the life lessons you taught, and the love you gave them. Ask either one how they feel about you. They’ll not only tell you, but they proudly tell the world about their dad.

Your example helped them to know what it is they want as they raise their own children. Their methods aren’t the same as we practiced, but their love for their children is the exact replica of the love you gave to them. Their children don’t have to question whether they are loved; they know that, because our children’s father loved them.

You’ve been a “dad” to our grandsons. Just when we thought the nest might be emptying out and our lives entering a new moment, we were called into co-parenting alongside our daughter. You’ve been with the boys every single day since they were born—if not by your physical presence, for sure by your daily prayers on their behalf. Those young men will always know there was a man in their lives who loved them with his every breath. You also taught them about Jesus. You baptized all three of those boys. You’ve taught them to shave, homeschooled one of them, practiced white-knuckle patience as you taught driving lessons. The energy level isn’t what it was when you were younger, but again, if it has been in your power to teach them or bring joy to their lives, you’ve been right there. And now, you are also Papa to Josh’s two little red heads. What fun still lies ahead!

So, thank you isn’t enough to express all you’ve been for your family. It just isn’t. But we are grateful for you, and we love you.

After my salvation experience, you are the best thing that ever happened in my life. I wouldn’t trade you for anyone in this world. We are a perfect match, and I’m glad God orchestrated our lives to come together. And though our story hasn’t been exactly all that we dreamed about, it’s still OUR story. God is good, and our lives together have mattered. Every single “bump” has brought us closer to Him and to each other. I love you forever.

Thank you. You are so very, very loved. Happy Father’s Day.

To Josh: What you have wanted to be for almost your whole life, you now are—a dad. And let me say, you are rocking it! I’m so very proud of the dad you are to those little ones. I love the way they look and you, and I really love the way you look at them. You are at the beginning of the parenthood journey, but you are moving in the right direction with them. Just keep loving them, keep telling them about Jesus, challenge their lives to be the best they can make it. We love you pray for you daily. Happy Father’s Day.

To Jenn: You are a brave woman, raising three boys alone. At this stage, you are very nearly through the child-rearing stage. Your boys are growing up so quickly! They are all on track to be fine men. Keep on keeping on. We see your love for your boys, and we hear their love for you. You understand there isn’t a one of them who wouldn’t leap to your defense in the blink of an eye, right? Don’t get tired; don’t give up; keep up the fight for the souls of your boys. God sees and He cares. So do we. We love you. Happy Father\’s Day.

Daddy Deficit

Thank God for any man who steps in to fill in the vacant spots left by absentee dads, because I have witnessed first-hand the struggle children face when their birth father is not present in their lives. I\’ve seen the anguish and rage of a young man who wondered why his birth father had once again lied to him. I\’ve watched the face of a little guy whose father promised to call, yet after waiting many hours by the phone that didn\’t ring, this child states simply and sadly, \”He don\’t love me.\” I\’ve witnessed the confusion in a little boy\’s face as his on-again, off-again father showed up to take him out for some food. He didn\’t know this man; why was he taking him? Their emotions are raw and painful. I am angry on their behalf, and I have many words to say to \”men\” who father children and then leave them to fend for themselves. Yet I know nothing will change unless their hearts are changed.

Through many painful, heartbreaking occurrences, we have stood by, feeling helpless and inadequate. As actively involved in the lives of these young men as possible, we can be what we are, but we can\’t be the father these young men need in their lives. Their grandfather has made every effort to stand in the gap for our boys, to ease some of the loss these guys are experiencing. They  call him \”dad,\” and they love and respect him. Great relationships, all–and not to take away from that bond in any way–but it is just a different experience for the boys, somehow. Their loss is real, just as any child\’s loss is real who has a deadbeat daddy*.

One of the things I\’ve noticed about this \”daddy deficit\” is that it doesn\’t always manifest in big, alarming ways. For instance, consider some of the following scenarios:

-I stood and stared at the pile of empty food wrappers and wondered why this child had to eat the whole box? I knew it was his favorite treat, but didn\’t he want to save some for another day? And why does he have to be sneaky about everything he does? Does his loss of a daddy cause him to feel shame, as if he doesn\’t really deserve anything?

-Every time he comes over, he asks for money. Of course, he works for it, but there is something upsetting to him to be without money in his pocket.

-He calls at all hours of the day and night, mostly just to talk to his grand\”dad.\” The subjects are important to him, something he\’s had on his mind, and he needs to bounce it off someone–usually the man he tells everyone is his \”real dad.\” Mostly, he just calls to hear that voice and gain reassurance from it.

-Raiding the fridge is  part of being a teenager, I suppose, but don\’t they realize that if they eat everything today, there won\’t be anything for tomorrow? And yet, there\’s that need to be sure they aren\’t cheated out of their \”fair share.\”

One morning, as I looked at the empty wrappers all over the table and floor, frustrated and struggling to understand motivations, God provided a moment of clarity to me that these are just symptoms of a deeper struggle–the deep need to have something–to not be cheated out of their fair share–or to know someone who will fill in the gap of an absent parent. For these guys, and too many more children, this is their daily struggle brought about by the loss of their birth father. Their understanding is that their father is out there somewhere but doesn\’t want to be a part of their lives. So they struggle with emotions that tells them that they aren\’t good enough, and that he doesn\’t care enough about them to be in their lives.

The fellas are not consciously aware of why they do what they do, of course. They are just young men trying to navigate themselves through the world and fill their lives with things that help them \”feel relevant.\” When they go for that whole box of treats, or that pocket filled with cash, or [you fill in the blank], they don\’t know anything at all about why that is so necessary for them.

I wonder if God will hold absent dads accountable for the behaviors in the lives of all the children they father and then leave? I\’ve worked through this question and have come to the conclusion that God will most definitely hold them accountable, not only for the actions of their children–for whom they are responsible to a certain age–but also for their absence from their children\’s lives; because even though these \”men\” aren\’t an active part of those lives, they did father them. Those kids possess a portion of his DNA, and he is responsible for them whether he likes it or even cares.

Kids who suffer daddy deficit range from feelings of loneliness or feeling cheated out of something special, to overcompensating in some area of their lives, and even up to breaking the law and ending up in the prison system. We don\’t want that for the young men in our lives so where do we begin? What do we do to help them as they struggle? 

First, put them on your prayer list. Pray for them daily and as often as their names come to mind. Ask God for specifics for their lives; God will lead you to know. (And, yes, for the fathers. Be nice, now. 😉 )

Second, GET INVOLVED. They need you. They need men who will step in and do activities with them, teach them important stuff. Little boys will grow into young men who need to know even the simplest stuff, like how to shave. Someone needs to teach them how to behave like a real man. These fellas need to know how to treat a woman properly, instead of just using her and then walking away from responsibility. So many things their dads should be teaching them–how to change the oil in a car, fix a flat tire, mow a lawn … you get my point.

Young men need to be taught that life is more than a sprint to immediate gratification, and they need to be taught how to plan for the marathon that is their life.

Moms are good at much of this stuff, of course, and they fill in as much as they can. But here\’s the deal with single moms–they have to work. Hard, long, exhausting hours. Someone has to pay for clothes, food, haircuts, school gear, rent . . . and the list goes on (and on). Life is full of success stories from homes without the dad. Moms are the bomb! Moms are relevant. I only speak to what I know and have witnessed for my family and share \”intel\” I\’ve gleaned from working in prison ministry. Dads are VERY important to a child\’s life. And when a dad deserts his kid because all he really wanted was sex and not the responsibility of a kid–that child feels that forever. 

Third, show them and tell them they matter, that they aren\’t just an accident–a horrible result of a man\’s bad behavior. Our pastor, Benjamin Webb, shared this thought in a sermon: \”Nothing about you is accidental. . . . In the blueprints of God\’s intelligent design, there\’s no such things as insignificant details.\”  Children with deadbeat dads must hear this. Our prayer is that they will eventually grasp this truth. But they need fine folks get involved in their lives and prove it. Share all the promises from God that you can share, drill it into them. They may not get it for awhile, but your consistent involvement in their lives will be visible proof that you believe what you tell them. They really need that.

The struggle is daily and it is real.

*Please note that my comments refer to dads who choose to be absent from, and avoid responsibility to, the lives of the children they helped create. Other situations are not being addressed in this article. And there is so much more that can be said on this subject, it boggles the mind!

Life Under Construction–Home School Style

Recently, Dave and I made a retirement-altering decision regarding one of our grandsons. After learning that he has made it all the way through 5th grade without knowing his multiplication table, how to divide, basic parts of speech, etc., we have decided we will home school him for a year with the prayer for bringing him up to speed with his contemporaries–and who knows, maybe even surpass them!

When we talked to \”A\” about this, he loved the idea immediately. He simply can\’t learn in a classroom environment. Some of it is his inability to sit still for more than two minutes (yes, we tried those brain-dulling medicines; they calmed him down, but rendered him unable to process information); some of it is the fact that teachers are dealing with full classrooms of kids, some of whom don\’t speak English; some of it is that \”A\” acts out because he wants to take attention off the fact that he isn\’t learning, so they just put him in the back of the room and let him simmer while they teach other kids. I\’m not blaming the teachers–i know they have a hard job. There are many factors involved in the situation, but it simply cannot continue.

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One on one is what this kid needs for a while. We intend to offer that to him, and we plan to teach him the way his mind processes info. We are looking forward to an exciting year for us all!

Please pray for us as we undertake this opportunity. We home schooled our own kids for nine years, so we know it\’s a real commitment.

For those who might be concerned about \”socialization\” I say, we tried that for seven years. It\’s got him where he is today. He\’ll be fine.

Life Under Construction–Parenting is SO Easy

Parents, do NOT let other people guilt you into being \”their\” kind of parent. I had a neighbor once whose son was in his playroom and dropped his glass of milk. When he tried to pick it up, he cut his palm. This precious mother was so guilt-ridden over what other parents would think of her for leaving her son alone IN HIS PLAYROOM, that she was considering plastic surgery for the little scar that would be on his palm. For most little boys, scars are warrior trophies, anyway. \”Oh, this scar? It\’s nothing. You should see the other fella.\” Right?

My mother always said I watched my kids too close, yet my daughter got spooked by a Smurf at Carowinds, and before I realized what was happening she was gone and nowhere to be seen. I was very close to screaming for her when one of the other adults with us found her (she got away that fast, from ALL of us). Then there was the time she nearly got on the wrong train in DC while the rest of the family piled into the one on the other side of the track–and then piled off really fast when we realized she was missing. You understand what I am saying? This happens.

My grandson got away from me one time after an event. He took off running toward the direction of our car, I chased after him, and literally fell out a door, giving him greater distance between us. When I found him, he was standing beside our car, waiting for me. At three years old, he was a fast kid. It happens.

I bet you there is not one parent who doesn\’t have a story to tell of the time their kid managed to slip past their line of vision. The folks who revile you for that–also known as people who don\’t have kids–likely also revile parents who put their kids on a safety restraint so they can keep up with them. You cannot please people. Be your own responsible self and raise your kid without guilt of what \”others\” will think.

Be vigilant, take what measures you must to feel that your child is as safe as possible; but remember, kids are impulsive, and before you can even turn your head in their direction, they can disappear.

Also, if you are considering parenthood, just had a new baby, etc., consider these things:
1) There is no such thing as a perfect parent.
2) Making dumb comments such as, \”my kid will never do that\” are dumb; and you could very likely end up eating bitter words, mixed with salty tears.
3) Kids have their own personalities. Until you are a parent, you don\’t know what kind of parent you\’ll be, and you CERTAINLY don\’t know what kind of kid your kid will be.

Growing Old Together

Imagine being married to the same individual for 51 years. Now, imagine your spouse has died. Your children are grown and live in other parts of the city, or in another state. You go home from the funeral, and the sense of loss is overwhelming. Oh, the kids call. They visit and spend some quality time with you. But at the end of the day, at the end of the visit, they are gone. And you are once again alone in the home you shared with your lover for 51 years.  Continue reading “Growing Old Together”

The Myth of the Empty Nest

\"empty-nest_2356878\" Several years ago I wrote about the joys of empty nesting. Less than a year after I wrote that article, the empty nest was interrupted. Had to be done. People’s welfare was at stake. Nine months ago, our nest emptied out again. And just this week we once again gave birth to that baby called empty nest no longer. Because family always comes home. Because life is full of lies we tell ourselves, like someday you will have an empty nest and will be free to travel the world in a camper and have the health to do so!

Just this week, Dave and I moved his mom into our home. Continue reading “The Myth of the Empty Nest”