Category: Musings, Rants, Ramblings

The more I read, the more firmly convinced I am that I will never be a writer. I have moments, spurts of inspiration; but I don\’t feel that I have what it takes (as in imagination) to flesh out a novel. Maybe someday I will. For now, I will content myself with reading great works and telling others about them. That is all. For now…..

I was going to buy a new phone tonight after work. I walked into the Verizon store, where it appeared three young men were on duty. They had customers, so I walked around the store, looking for the particular phone I wished to purchase. One of the customers left. I continued walking around the store, looking at the phones, waiting for someone to speak. Even a simple, \”Good evening. Someone will be with you in a few minutes.\” But I got nothing. The fella who finished with his customer walked over to another one of the guys and began talking to him. It was as if I were invisible. I waited yet another minute and then left. Oh, well. Maybe I\’ll try a different store tomorrow. Maybe Verizon\’s business is so good they don\’t need my business or something. Hmm.

****Telephone update: went online and took advantage of their deals. Got a Droid x2 for $50, which everyone assures me is a great deal. So there, little bored boys in the store! I probably got a better deal online. Hmmph! 😛

do you ever feel that even though you are standing upright and looking like you got it all together, that your soul is actually splatted all over the floor–a total mess, blubbering incoherently?

no?

maybe it\’s just me.

It was an answer to prayer. God had confirmed it to me. So why didn’t it work out? ……..

Many years ago I read a book written by the wife of a pastor. In the book, she relates the story of when she and her husband were temporarily living with the family of one of their churches. The pastor’s family was very poor and couldn’t even afford to buy stamps for their letters, so she prayed that God would supply her with stamps so that she could send a letter to her parents.

One day, shortly after her prayer, their host family received some mail with several postage stamps tucked inside the envelope—ten or so. The pastor’s wife knew that her prayer had just been answered and began secretly rejoicing, while the recipient of the stamps did a happy dance around the room. After rejoicing, the woman took the stamps and tucked them back inside the envelope and put the envelope away. She did not offer one to the pastor’s wife. This caused the pastor’s wife to question why God had gotten her so close to her answer and then it had not come to be.

After several days of contemplation, she came to this conclusion—when God answers our prayers and other people are involved in the answer, they must also be open to God’s leading and willing to respond. If not, then we must wait on the answer to come to us in a different way. Perhaps the other woman had heard God whisper to share her bounty of stamps, but had just ignored the urging. Whatever the reason, it brought the pastor’s wife comfort to know that God had answered her prayer, and even though she did not receive the blessing of a stamp, she did receive the blessing of knowing God was listening to her.

I won’t go into the details, but I’m there. And even though it’s taken me a few days to do so, I accept it. It doesn’t take away the disappointment I feel, but I trust God. His grace is sufficient. And, after all, it\’s all about HIM.

Someday my life will be no more
And I wonder
Will anyone knock at my door
To mourn my passing?

Do you ever go through the emotions that you just aren\’t doing it right anymore; that you really aren\’t necessary; that if you took a few steps back for awhile, no one would even miss you?

I have absolutely no reason to feel that way, but sometimes I do. It\’s not so much things others say to me or things they do–it\’s more the way I perceive myself in the big picture.

A discussion goes bad, and now communications are strained at best and non-existent at worst. Over and over the question arises, \”What could I have done to assure a different outcome?\” My perceptions become skewed, and I blame myself for both sides of the breakdown.

The positions you held are not yours anymore, and while you may be glad to have someone else in those positions, suddenly you feel — I don\’t know — unnecessary? lost? empty?

It\’s strange. Every now and then I go through these emotions. I don\’t share them so that you will feel the need to pat me on the back or encourage me. In a day or two, I\’ll be over this and back in my \”zone.\” Right now, I just feel tired, unnecessary, a bit lonely.

But tomorrow….

Stephen the deacon was full of the Holy Spirit, and he performed signs and wonders. And he became a target of the same mindset that had already crucified his Savior, Jesus. They set him up the same way they set Jesus up. But he refuted their false testimony by giving them a history lesson about God\’s chosen people–Israel.

When Stephen got up that morning I bet he didn\’t consider that it would be his last day on earth. But it was. Before the day was out, even with his testimony which proved his accusers were wrong about him, the powers that be had incited yet another crowd against another innocent man. Stephen died a very painful death by stoning.

Did he whine? No. Did he beg? No. The Word says he looked heavenward and saw the Son of God standing at the right hand of the Father. Jesus was preparing to meet Stephen. Stephen\’s face glowed with the vision. A few short minutes later, Stephen asked God not to count his murderers\’ sins against them, and he died.

We in America don\’t have people chasing us to the edge of town in order to stone us because we are a testimony against their lives. Don\’t be deceived, though. The enemy still hates us. Watch the news–every day the battle grows more heated.

I\’m not trying to be morbid, but you do realize, don\’t you, that …. well, you know. What sort of testimony do you hope to leave behind when that day arrives? Will you be able to look into the heavens and see the Son standing, waiting to welcome you home? Will your face glow from the encounter? Or will we hang our heads in shame, afraid to look our Savior in the eyes?

I wonder.

Hubby and I watch the boys every Thursday evening while our daughter goes to night class at the community college. Tonight, we were knee-deep in homework (i hate homework!) and the phone rang. It was my mother, sounding frantic and asking me to come over and take her to the hospital. I asked her where her husband was, and she said he couldn\’t take her because he was sick himself. What was wrong with her? She was having muscle spasms all over she said. Immediately my irritated sensor kicked in. She\’s been sick with stomach virus a couple days, and I would bet every single penny I own to my name that she took something to try to stop and when it didn\’t work she took more until she\’d taken too much. It\’s her habit to do this, so I know from whence I speak on this matter.

Anyway, after I hung up, fully intending to head over there, Dave stepped in and said he\’d go, since I needed to be here with the boys. Out the door he goes. I call mama\’s house to let them know he\’s on his way to take her. By the time he got there, she had already called an ambulance, and the paramedics were working on her. Hubby followed the ambulance to the hospital and is there even as I write this. He said he\’d let me know whether I need to go over as soon as they see a doctor. He also mentioned she might have taken too much medicine and that she\’s doing a lot of complaining about the folks who are trying to help her. Hmmmm.

I sigh. It\’s part of the season of life we are in, I know. The Sandwich Generation season. Little ones needing us, and older parents needing us. Most days it\’s not a problem. Some days it\’s almost too much.

Life is what it is. You either roll with it, or you lose your mind. You know?